What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
10.06.2025 05:52
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
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As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
What did i know ?
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And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
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We all went to grammer schools
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Is it okay for my husband to help other ladies without telling me?
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I never cut or harmed myself..
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But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
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Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
My mum and dad in the seventies!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
He resisted the act ,that day.
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I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
She wouldn,t have been !
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
We were not on the streets..
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
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Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
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At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
(And it was in our own minds.)
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
In what ways Indian parents are destroying their children's life?
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
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Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
This is soul school!.
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Thats was my nicest nick name for him
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Was to survive, this bastard.
So whats the point in blame.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
As i do to all so called friends.?
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Why did i forgive my father ?
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Ive learnt so much.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
When she asked me how she looked .
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I was 9 years of age.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
But, we were locked up after school.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
My life is so biszare .
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I don,t even have a pension.
Especially a lifetime of it.
I think the readers, may guess!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Where the ultimate outsiders.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
She married twice! .
One cannot live in the past .
I said to her
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I will be 64.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I have no regrets .
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
So, i spoilt her more .
And i lived it daily.
Put me off passion for life!!
Would this be the day?
She found it foreign!.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I know ,a lot about trauma.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I couldn’t, believe it.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Comes on , in middle age.
All the time i was locked up.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
It was going to be , some day.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
She was in good health!
Who then, do I blame.?
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I write beautiful poetry .
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
My family never makes their pension either.
But it wasn’t much.
He knew the spot.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I could never make a relationship work though!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
She loved him until the end.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I waited trembling.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I was scared of men, in general
I was seconnd youngest,
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Im still living with it.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I was very sick at this time too.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
But ive been too sick for many years..
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
He was dying to do it , i knew.